Posts Tagged ‘Review’
In the past eight hours since I left the theater, I’ve put way too much thought into X-Men: Days of Future Past which is something you never, ever want to do with an X-Men movie because, holy shit, do these things fall apart under the slightest bit of scrutiny. As for what I’ve been thinking about, it’s not so much the events of the movie – Although, I do have some significant issues with those which I’ll expand on through the power of dick jokes. – but how this movie is being absorbed into our current comic book movie climate, and how unprecedented it is to almost entirely be made for one sole purpose and that purpose only: Wiping X-Men: The Last Stand out of existence. I’m not even joking. If someone asked me to describe the plot of this movie in one sentence, it’d be, “Fuck you, Brett Ratner.”
WARNING: This review contains spoilers even though I assure you there are no major twists in this movie, and not a single thing that happens matters anyway because everything that did happen didn’t happen. Confused yet? Good. I just took your wallet.
For this review I’m going to forgo my usual The Shit That Shat approach and mostly touch on the major reactions I’m seeing across the blogosphere. After that, I’m going to send my consciousness back through time and stop myself from using the word “blogosphere,” so if you still see it there, tell Ellen Page she eats buckets of dicks and to get me outta here.
“IT REVITALIZES THE X-MEN FRANCHISE!”
Here’s a little tidbit everyone who’s saying this seems to be purposefully forgetting: The last two X-Men movies (prior to DoFP) have actually been pretty fucking good. X-Men: First Class was a goddamn breath of fresh air thanks to Matthew Vaughn pulling the franchise out of the black spandex crapfest of the “not too distant future” and giving us James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender‘s younger, more interesting Professor X and Magneto set against the Cuban Missile Crisis. And The Wolverine was shockingly badass for a movie coming off the shit-heels of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. All that Days of Future Past managed to do was remind me how much I enjoyed the dynamic between James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender before cramming all the bloated baggage of The X-Men Trilogy between them. The only thing it managed to improve upon from First Class is not making every word out of Jennifer Lawrence’s mouth absolutely awful. Granted, they did it by making her the central McGuffin of the movie because thanks to the magic of contracts Fox is sitting on Oscar winner Katniss Everdeen now and will make her do more shit than just go, “I’m mutant and proud!” while standing naked in the kitchen. In fairness though, you have to appreciate action scenes that are almost exclusively naked blue JLaw butt. You’d just assume Bryan Singer would CGI a boys high school swim meet over it.
“HOLY SHIT, THAT QUICKSILVER PRISON BREAK SCENE!”
No arguments here. For a character the Internet was ready to instantly hate thanks to looking like Kid Vid from the Burger King Kids Club, Evan Peters‘ Quicksilver was surprisingly awesome and the Magneto prison escape scene is easily the best action sequence in any of the X-Men movies.
Until you ask yourself some questions.
1. How the hell was Magneto even arrested in the first place? Not once is this explained which would’ve kind of been nice considering in First Class we saw him stop an entire naval fleet’s worth of missiles, and in Days of Future Past he fucking lifts a baseball stadium – the whole stadium – in the air and flies it over the White House all while controlling the most advanced robotics anyone had ever seen at that point. We know Professor X didn’t do it because he’s moping around using the Legacy Virus – *dusts off nerd shoulders* – like a heroin junkie, and he’s the only person who can stop him provided, as the movie itself points out, he doesn’t have his helmet. Which he did!
2. As Quicksilver starts to do his speed shit – which, again, was awesome and is the only reason I don’t (entirely) regret seeing DoFP in a theater – he puts on his headphones and the audience is led to believe he’s listening to music the whole time he’s zipping around prison guards and rearranging at a speed that makes bullets look like they’re moving through the air like molasses. Which brings me to my point: Wouldn’t his Walkman also be operating at the same speed? Because I’m pretty sure it would and the only thing he would’ve heard is 1/100th of a note. YOU LOSE, UNNECESSARY STYLISTIC FLAIR.
3. So the main characters and the audience have clearly seen that Quicksilver is insanely useful. Literally moreso than any other character in the film. So what do they do to him? Send him home to his mom even though he just stopped an entire room full of armed guards like it was goddamn nothing. It’s like the writers realized the whole movie would be over in five minutes with him around, so they completely wrote him out of the script not even ten seconds after the most memorable scene in the entire film. It makes all the heroes look like complete idiots.
“So we’re definitely keeping Speed Kid around and knocking this shit out by lunch, right?”
“Eh, he’s kind of annoying.”
“Fair enough. Beast! Let’s go fuck everything up.” – Literally what happens
“IT’S AS MUCH FUN AS THE AVENGERS!”
Okay, Bryan Singer himself would like everyone to knock that shit off because it’s comparing apples to oranges. The Avengers is an entirely different animal – and, yes, one that is way more fun – but for the most part, the X-Men movies have always been more of a philosophical, heady affair. You go into them expecting action, but not on the level of Disney/Marvel movies right now which are straight owning that department. And that’s perfectly fine. That said, Days of Future Past moves at a much slower pace than any of its predecessors. (Save the Quicksilver scene, it’s the kind of movie I would’ve preferred watching at home where some shithead in the front row wasn’t checking Facebook on his iPhone every five minutes and shining it directly in my eyes. In an ideal world, this person died in a dick fire.) Which is understandable because it’s more concerned with exploring characters’ relationships with each other. Except unfortunately for two hours and 14 minutes those relationships are the same old recycled shit we’ve seen over and over again in these films:
“I say we live peacefully with the humans.”
“And I say we throw metal shit at their dicks.”
“Wow, that’s violently opposite of what I want. Let’s play chess!”
“HAHA, JANUARY JONES’ CHARACTER IS DEAD BEFORE THE MOVIE EVEN STARTS!”
Okay, maybe only I said that. That may have just been me.
Look, long story short, X-Men: Days of Future Past is entertaining, but not enough that I’d tell anyone to rush right out and see it. It’s light years beyond the trilogy and prequel it mercifully retconned out of existence (along with the events of The Wolverine which happened after The Last Stand), but outside of the Quicksilver prison break scene and Wolverine’s first few moments in the past – Easily Hugh Jackman’s most natural owning of the character yet. – it was mostly just another CGI rigmarole with way too many mutants and no resonance whatsoever. Right out of the gate, the movie lets you know that nothing that happens to the characters in the future matters, so who cares when they get horrifically burnt and stabbed to fuck and back? And the ending hammers it home even further that the entire point to everything you just sat through was to pretend Brett Ratner never happened. It waves that shrimp dick right in your face. And, honestly, I would’ve been fine if that’s how the franchise ended because it was a mildly entertaining atonement for its past sins albeit while completely shitting all over the far more interesting groundwork Matthew Vaughn laid down. Sure, the horribly teased X-Men: Apocalypse is supposed to center around James McAvoy’s new X-Men team in the 80s and have much more Quicksilver, but at this point, I’m completely worn out with this shit.
Until the trailer hits, and I turn into an Alzheimer’s patient. See you bitches then!
Photo: 20th Century Fox
Welcome to the final installment of The Superficial review of Good Tidings and Great Joy which, yes, I’m completely willing to accept may have played a part in Paul Walker‘s death. This shit got way out of hand, and God only knows who it’ll claim next if I don’t put an end to it soon. Unless I can somehow aim it… *tries to point post at Chris Brown* No, no, there’s been enough bloodsheed… *tries one more time*
6. SEEING DOUBLE … STANDARDS
If I haven’t mentioned it yet, Sarah Palin fucking loves Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. She mentions it at least once a chapter and almost always in the context of the Christmas spirit transforming Ebenezer Scrooge into a kind, generous employer. And yet this is the same woman whose moose-knuckle turns into a fire hydrant at the mere mention of Walmart, a company that has probably looked into getting slavery back on the books more than once. So in the same vein as A Christmas Carol – and the completely ridiculous Joe McScrooge from chapter one – Sarah Palin takes us to the future of our world because she’s a Highlander now if Highlanders are terrified of diversity. “There can be only one — holiday in December!” *chops off Kwanzaa’s head with a katana*
“VISION OF CHRISTMAS YET TO COME … IF THE MILITANT ATHEISTS AND SECULAR LIBERALS HAVE THEIR WAY”
Yup, that was a direct quote.
It’s December 2028, and Sarah Palin pays a surprise visit to her bastard grandson Tripp at University of Alaska Anchorage where he’s naturally there on a hockey scholarship because Palins are gosh darn athletes, Bahby, a dontcha know. While Tripp and his teammates duck out for practice, Sarah is left to wander the campus on our own where, gee golly wilikers, she can’t believe her own eyes. The campus is decorated beautifully with pinecones and candles and brass and silver, but there’s no “traditional” Christmas decorations like candy canes or a tiny little baby hovering above all the other religions vanquishing them with angel beams. Instead, there’s only… diversity! OH NO!
“As we approach the Winter Solstice season, which encompasses holidays celebrated by many faiths, keep in mind the University of Alaska Anchorage is a diverse community and diversity is one of our key educational values.”
“What the fuck is this shit?” thinks Future Sarah Palin. Then she reads a list of upcoming lectures in case, somehow, readers aren’t already freaked out by all the diversity talk. Which let’s be honest, they paid $ 24.99 for a book about The War on Christmas written by Sarah Palin. They are.
THE CHRISTMAS MYTH: REDISCOVERING THE
PAGAN ROOTS OF A HIJACKED HOLIDAY
FAMILY, FRIENDS, AND LOVE: CELEBRATING THE HOLIDAYS
WITHOUT INVITING THE GODS OF YESTERYEAR
SHOULD YOU TRUST YOUR PARENTS AGAIN?
RECOVERING FROM THE SANTA LIE
Holy fuck on a moose horn, now Future Sarah has to get some answers. Fortunately, she runs into Karly, the “Vice Dean of Respect and Inclusion.” YUP. The shit is on. Future Sarah sets it off by straight dropping the c-bomb on her new nemesis. And by c-bomb I mean Christmas which amazingly doesn’t result in a Sentinel emerging from behind a tree to plasma blast Future Sarah straight to Baby Jesus’ upstairs house.
“While we don’t actually have any ‘Christmas’ activities per se,” she says, “um, this is a very diverse community, I’m sure you’ll be able to find something you’ll enjoy. There’s the Winter Solstice gathering at seven o’clock tonight.”
“What is that exactly?” I ask. “Like, caroling?”
“Well, last year, solstice celebrators had a bonfire, they made a representation of a man out of sticks, and they tucked little pieces of paper into the man’s hand with regrets from the last year. Then they lit it on fire and watched it burn away their shame and guilt,” she says. “Then they had sausages, eggs, and lots of good traditional drink.”
“Oh,” I say. “Well, that sounds … interesting.”
Motherfucking witchcraft! Future Sarah knew it. But surely there has to be some sort of Christian group on campus except it turns out they all voluntarily opted out of participating in UAA’s “inclusive community” because they’d have to be nice to gays and other religions, so now they meet in the cover of darkness off campus. Some say they drink unicorn bloo- wait, wrong book. Now Future Sarah’s pissed because she just wants to hear some fucking carols and doesn’t have time to go off campus to look for non-diverse pillars of Christ, so she bitches at Karly because, as every woman knows, saying something out loud will immediately change a situation to exactly the way you think it should be:
“It used to be that Christmas events happened all over the campus.”
“Yes, but times change,” she says, looking at me with concern or pity. “We don’t have slavery anymore, either.”
What did Miss Karly just say? I inaudibly gulp.
Oh, fuck, they’re teaching college students that shit can change? Future Sarah has had enough. Take her to the multi-faith center. Take her there immediately! But, on the way, let’s stop by a bunch of atheist displays that happened in real life because, here’s some Shymalan shit, the future? It’s now. BRAAAAAAAHMMMMM.
1. A “Holiday” Tree Sale. Neil Degrasse Tyson, would you be so kind?
Holiday derives from Holy Day. So it's etymologically under-informed to assert that "Happy Holidays" does not reference God.
— Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) December 20, 2012
2. A “natural nativity” scene.
3. A Santa crucifixion scene.
But we’ll soon learn that’s not the worst of it because it’s Muslims. Muslims are the worst of it which is why there are exactly as many Muslim examples as there are atheist ones.
“Our Muslim students partake in wudu, the ritual ablutions before the prayer sessions. They had a hard time washing their feet in the sinks, so adding foot-washing stations was part of our university renovations. Costly in terms of budget, sure, but here we believe inclusion is, well, priceless.”
I duck my head into the “state-of-the-art” commode and sure enough, along the wall, in the corner, are several “foot baths.”
“How many students uses this ‘priceless’ spigot?”
You spent money on a minority, bitch, how could you?!
2. A banner for Eid al-Adha that just happened to coincide with Thanksgiving during Future Sarah Palin’s visit. She doesn’t list a real word example for this one because it takes place a different time each year so this would never fucking happen, but it fits her theme of other religions being a pain in the ass to good, wholesome American ones where we murder each other on Black Friday for $ 39 plasmas.
3. Tripp returns to find Future Sarah, and tells her he didn’t get to practice because he was banned from the hockey rink until later in the evening because it was Muslim women exercise time which they don’t feel comfortable doing in front of men. A practice that Harvard made headlines for in 2008 because they want 9/11 to happen again, only this time the terrorists will use the inconvenienced bodies of white Christian men who had to wait an extra hour to use the elliptical machine.
After learning about all this Muslim business – and yeah, okay, whatever, the atheists – Future Sarah finally loses her shit:
“What abouy just your average Joe Six-Pack boring ol’ Christian student feeling welcome and honored?”
“Oh, please,” she says. “The dominant faith in our culture doesn’t need more of an advantage than it already enjoys.”
And then the story ends because, surely, Sarah’s readers are mollified at the thought of their seat of privilege not being hoisted upon with more privilege for, in the words of Jesus, “the demanders of more privilege shall inherit the earth.” Fortunately, Sarah has a better Christmas Yet To Come for you to hope for, and all it takes is no Muslims. Not a single Muslim. You think I’m exaggerating, but this version has carolers, candy cane decorations, Christians and atheists spiritedly debating each other with smiles on their faces because Christians don’t have to be “diverse” or “tolerant,” and not one goddamn Muslim in sight. This utopic future Christmas doesn’t mention them once. There are even Jews and Buddhists commingling with Christians, who will surely convert them with its most bitching holiday, but apparently the lynchpin of Sarah Palin’s ideal Christmas is no Muslims anywhere. Yet she bristles at the end of the chapter that universities, a.k.a. “the government,” has the nerve to teach students that The Bible has been used to justify racism, slavery and the subjugation of women. Which is what happens when you don’t say “Merry Christmas.” Kids learn facts. Real, provable facts. It’s fucking chaos.
7. WHO’D MAKE UP A STORY LIKE THAT?
The last chapter of Sarah Palin’s book is probably my favorite because it’s so completely pointless and random that there’s nothing for me to even write about. I honestly couldn’t tell you what the point of it is. There’s something about her dad getting food poisoning from canned fish and banging Todd every other Thursday – WHY?! – but barely anything that reinforces the theme of the book except a few sentences at the end where God is awesome and therefore so is his kid’s birthday by default. It’s just a bunch of bullshit strung together to get this thing past 200 pages so idiots will think it’s full of meaningful information. Which, now that I think about it, is the main theme of the book. Never mind.
“In the beginning, there was darkness. And in that darkness were elves (Yup, get on board.) with space ships and laser guns and grenades that fucking turned you into a black hole, and they were like, ‘Shit is better when it’s dark.’ But my dad was all like, ‘Dude, I don’t put on this sweet ram’s horn helmet so people can not see it in the dark, fuck your shit.’ And then he won by beaming the bad guy’s power source away Star Trek-style. A tactic that was remarkably effective, so naturally this is the last you’ll ever hear or see of it again. From there, he trusted one of his bros to hide the evil red cloud.. stuff where no one would find it except he forgot one important fact: Vikings can’t hide shit. Boom, we’ve got ourselves a movie.” – Odin
[SPOILERS, obviously. Although, you can predict every event in this movie in your Odin-sleep. Count it!]
Cut to an indiscriminate planet that looks a whole lot like Europe. Marvel’s Wonder Woman chick is fighting medieval-ish warriors in a world that we’ve already established had goddamn Star Wars shit 5,000 years earlier. Also with her is Asian guy, fat dude and freakishly blonde NBC’s Chuck who apparently fences his enemies. I have no clue. Cue grand Thor entrance, witty banter, witty banter, and wee, the good guys win. And if that seems anticlimactic it’s because Thor has zero fucks to give and seems entirely checked out of the movie, so he takes it out on Asian guy by saying, “Ha, I bet you thought you were going to be in this thing. Psyche!”
Except it turns out Thor is bored with Space Viking God life and wants to pursue other interests like thundering his penis into Natalie Portman‘s Earth vagina which was totally his the second he dropped all the Rainbow Bridge bomb on her back in the first movie. Thor’s dad can tell what’s up because he remembers the days when all he wanted to do was pour space brandy all over Rene Russo’s naked body then tell Pierce Brosnan to feel free to use that shit. But he also knows Lady Sif is crazy hot, so he’s like, “Look, Thor, Natalie Portman, I get it. But what if you banged Space Wonder Woman right over there who can probably hear us? You don’t even have to transcend realms to get up in that. All you gotta do is walk. Or, shit, I’ll make her walk over here, I’m Space God.. or something, dammit!”
But Thor isn’t having any of that even when Jaimie Alexander (Just call my hammer, SEOjnir.) is basically asking him to plunder her space port. So he goes off to sulk with Stringer Bell, God of Voyeurism, who explains everything that’s going to create a bunch of CGI shit during the final battle that will involve the fate of the entire fucking universe from Earth all the way to to the other Swedish space name places.
Back on Earth, Natalie Portman is trying to date again, but finds it hard after the last guy she liked had abs you could ride for weeks and is also a deity.. or something. Fortunately, Kat Dennings shows up to remind everyone she’ll just be the comic relief because her breasts are under wraps and will remain so the entire movie in defiance of God (Not the Anthony Hopkins one.) and nature.
Anyway, they find some weird science shit happening that conveniently drops Natalie Portman right into the spot where Thor’s grandfather’s guys hid the red magic goo from the beginning which then infects her because it does that now. More importantly, I learn that anytime I see Kat Dennings and her intern on the screen, it’s a good time to take a leak.
So Thor shows up because Stringer Bell can’t creep on Natalie Portman all of sudden and this is serious business. Stringer Bell needs his creeping. They reunite, but not before the cops try to arrest Natalie for the weird science shit, but the red evil goo’s all, “Fuck tha police!” and sends their asses flying which naturally makes Thor thinks it’d be a great idea to bring her back to Asgard where everyone and everything he holds dear is. In his defense, they hadn’t seen each other in two years and hammer playas gotta hammer.
Blah blah blah, romance, looks of longings – KISSING!!! – oh no, this is a terrible disease she has that will kill her ass dead, but wait, is that Thor’s mom she’s meeting on the first date? Uh oh!
Meanwhile, King Space Elf awakes in his ship. His goo is calling to him from inside Natalie Portman! (“Been there,” says Benjamin Millipied.) He must travel to Viking space Heaven.. place, but first, let’s sacrifice the only black dude on his crew and turn him into a space elf monster thing. Because, remember, the space elves predate the Civil Rights Act by at least 50 centuries. They don’t know any better.
Cut to black guy space monster being carted off to Heaven jail where I forgot to mention Loki is because The Avengers, available now on Blu-Ray and iTunes. Space monster starts a riot, and finally after thirty goddamn minutes of whatever’s happening in this movie, shit starts to get kind of good in comparison to everything else. The elves attack Asgard Heaven.. land, but not before Stringer Bell straight stabs one of their ships out of the sky with a fucking dagger because nobody gets by String without him creeping them. NOBODY.
There’s fighting, explosions, CGI fatashamashery, and then shit gets real when the three-year-old in the front row of the theater dressed as Thor (True fact.) learns that moms die. Yup, that’s right, Space Elf murdered Thor’s space mom. Who was fucking badass at fighting until the part where she got killed protecting the chick her son wants to bang dooming everyone in the process. Haha! Moms.
From here, the shit is on. Thor wants vengeance, not to mention is still really interested in Natalie Portman living so he can bang her, but these elves do not fuck around and will probably come back and blow up Viking Heaven World to harvest Natalie’s goo. Plus Thor’s dad’s pretty jacked, too, and wants that last part to happen because only Odin kills people in Odin’s house. Oh, yeah, and his wife dying, too. He was going to say that next, honest.
Anyway, our heroes need a plan, so Thor gathers all his friends together for a last-ditch effort in defiance of Odin’s plan everyone dying fighting elves with guns and drops some ominous words. “If we succeed, it’s exile. If we fail, it’s death.” Except everyone’s pretty much on board because, haha, exile. What a fucking drama queen.
And now for the part of the movie everyone paid a ticket to see: THOR JOINING FORCES WITH LOKI. The good brother reaching out to the evil brother and bonding over the death of their mother. But, first, jokes about betrayal and death! Witty witty banter, witty witty banter time, a where you at, a where you at, a where you go, a where you go. /familyguy
So Thor and Loki travel to the Dark World – Hey, like the title! – where Space Elf King gets the evil goo out of Natalie Portman (No creampie.) while black guy space monster “kills” Loki, except no one fucking believes it as they shouldn’t, and then the entire movie devolves into a CGI shit show where the characters literally go:
“Hey, what does this stuff do?”
“I dunno. Stuff.”
Because why explain anything when there’s a Viking Space Jesus hitting a space elf with a magic hammer while the entire solar system poops itself? The audience is just going to enjoy the ride and not at all sit there thinking, “Goddammit, they need to stop making these things.” IT’S A CGI SPECTACULAR WITH HIGH STAKES PERIL! What’s not to love for the 8,000th time?
Fart, fart, punch, boom. Surprise, Loki’s still alive.
Except… MARVEL KICKER! And it’s Guardians of the Galaxy, bitch! What’s that? You have no idea what that is? Then by all means let Benicio del Toro in a weird, horribly acted and directed scene make you want to know even less. Excelsior!
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in this video, i talk about episode 1 series 2 of luther on bbc america. i mean no copyright harm at all.enjoy.
I’m going to somewhat echo Vince Mancini’s review of Pacific Rim on FilmDrunk by saying that I, too, really, really hoped this movie would be something special. And it is, in places, but at the end of the day, and despite being an original screenplay that wasn’t a comic book or Young Adult bestseller, it’s Read More …
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