Posts Tagged ‘important’
Welcome to this week’s installment of The Most Important People on The Internet where, once again, you people fucking brought it. And I’m not just saying that because of the Star Wars quote. Entirely. However, on a serious note, there were a remarkable amount of Hillary Clinton jokes to choose from which bodes well for her presidency. It’s time we got back to laughing at the Kabuki theater of politics that fucks everyone but the rich in the ass instead of going, “OHMYGOD A BLACK GUY!” The future looks bright. Anyway, a quick honorable mention to almost every single comment on this Khloe Kardashian thread (I couldn’t even decide, so I didn’t!), and now on to this week’s Long One™:
If my calculations are correct, you will receive this letter immediately after you saw the DeLorean struck by lightning. First, let me assure you that I am alive and well. I’ve been living happily these past eight months in the year 1885, working as a prostitute in the Lucky Cowpoke Saloon (see attached photo). I have become very adept at giving tugjobs to miners and cowhands.
Please do not attempt to rebuild the time machine and drag me back to listen to your shitty music. This life is better.’
Said JimBB on The Crap We Missed – Friday 6.20.14
Thanks to the holiday weekend, last week was shorter than usual, so we didn’t have quite enough comments to justify a Most Important People on The Internet. Fortunately, not only did I hold onto them, but you beautiful bitches brought it this week, so we have a goddamn goldmine of horrible comments that will make D-Day look like a box social. And if you think that’s an offensive thing to say, those soldiers destroyed that poor beach’s self-esteem. Just destroyed it. It’s never been able to have a stable relationship since, and I heard sometimes it even cuts itself. Cutting! I hope stopping Hitler was important, jerks.
Welcome to this week’s edition of The Most Important People On The Internet coming at you a day early thanks to the holiday weekend, and because Photo Boy and I are catching X-Men: Days of Future Past, so look for the usual novel-length review later today. But before I get myself gussied up, here’s this week’s Special Place comment that’s a load of nepotism all over your face:
I like to believe this was Photo Boy’s way of proposing to me now that gay marriage is legal in our state. *wipes tear* Bastard knows the way to my heart… (The Crap We Missed – Monday 5.19.14)
Welcome to this week’s installment of The Most Important People on The Internet coming at you a day early thanks to America’s magic mascot rising from the dead two thousand years ago because that’s literally how long we’ve been beating the zombie genre into the ground. Anyway, I’ve also got two long as shit comments that broke our gallery, so special thanks to Pierce Bronzetan and cmonreally for paying careful attention to Katherine Heigl‘s Duane Reade lawsuit and pointing out the goddamn ridiculousness of Kim Kardashian‘s Audrey Hepburn photo shoot respectively. May the Holy Bunny fill your Fallopian tubes with assorted eggs, candies, and those little birds made out of marshmallows. For as it is written.
“Jesus, Mom! Of course, I don’t have to check where we are on this map! I’m Katherine Heigl! My big break came in 1999, when I was cast in a starring role on the teen science-fiction show Roswell which ran for three seasons. The part widened my exposure in Hollywood, and I filmed a variety of smaller projects during the show’s hiatus. After Roswell was canceled in 2002, I appeared in several made-for-TV movies, including a prequel to Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion and two Lifetime movies based on the Janet Oke novels Love’s Enduring Promise and Love Comes Softly. Between roles in independent and low-budget films (including Zyzzyx Road, which was released in 2006 to poor reviews, becoming infamously known as the lowest-grossing film in history), I filmed a pilot for a TV show about medical interns at a Seattle Hospital, which was eventually titled Grey’s Anatomy. Grey’s Anatomy premiered in March 2005 and immediately became a smash hit, elevating my and my co-stars’ profiles in Hollywood. I met with more success in 2006 and 2007: I was nominated for a Golden Globe, and then won an Emmy Award (best supporting actress) for my role as Dr. Isobel “Izzie” Stevens on Grey’s Anatomy. Additionally, I starred in the 2007 smash comedy hit Knocked Up alongside Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann, and finished the year by marrying fiancé Josh Kelley in Park City, Utah. Around this same time, I worked with YOU to start my own production company, Abishag Productions. I named the company after the female figure (Abishag) in the Robert Frost poem “Provide, Provide.” Even as my reputation as a diva spiraled out of control, I continued to meet with both professional and personal success. From 2008 to 2010, I headlined four romantic comedies: 27 Dresses, The Ugly Truth, Killers and Life as We Know It. So, yes, I think I fucking know where we are!”
Said Pierce Bronzetan on The Crap We Missed – Monday 4.14.14
‘Audrey Hepburn – Talented woman who helped the Dutch Resistance during WWII, and who devoted a good portion of her life to UNICEF.
Kim Kardashian – Got pissed on, had two large mixing bowls implanted into her ass cheeks, brow beat the editor of Vogue into giving her a cover, has absolutely no soul.
Sure, I can see the resemblance.’
Said cmonreally on The Crap We Missed – Wednesday 4.16.14
[See you dickheads on Monday once I've fully sated myself with creme eggs. - SW]
Welcome to this week’s installment of The Most Important People on The Internet which has to be, by far, the most randomly clever group of comments because, holy shit, are a bunch of these brilliant, but holy shit, will a bunch of you probably not get them. One even involves a calculator. The important thing is it bookended by January Jones, who is admittedly goddamn hot for an eater of souls. I’m man enough to admit that, and also, highly susceptible to sorcery. (I traded my Elvish cloak for a Batarang.)
- The Superficial
Welcome to the first The Most Important People on The Internet of 2104 and, holy shit, did you amazing bastards bring it. There’s even an Alan Moore joke. Alan Moore! I’m not even mad there’s not a single comment from the Leo brought a girl to Jonah‘s sleepover gallery even though I specifically told Photo Boy I’d burn the site down if that happened. Alan Moore! I’m going to make an honest woman out of all you. Mark my words.
- The Superficial
Photo: Pacific Coast News
Here’s to another year filled with selfie perfection.
When he smiled that iconic smile.
And served up just a little bit of that dimple.
When he stole your heart with the wink and the gun at the end of this video.
When he showed you the proper way to wear a suit.
Welcome to the potentially last Most Important People on The Internet of 2013 provided you people (You heard me.) don’t suddenly bring your A-game between now and New Year’s forcing us to toss up another one over the holiday which you would, wouldn’t you? This is why I told your mother I wanted a dog. Anyway, the Jonah Hill standing next to Leonardo DiCaprio in a fit of orgasmic glee post paid off handsomely, so I hope you like jokes about that and ones about posts from last week because I saved the few that actually made the cut. I’m a sentimental bitch that way which is also why I somehow have all your baby teeth. *presses finger to your lips* Shhh, shhh, there’s only emotions now. Only emotions…
- The Superficial
Photo: Splash News
This pic doesn’t have a caption, but once you see why it’s here you’ll never be able to unsee it. Forever…
Welcome to this week’s installment of The Most Important People On The Internet which I want to sincerely thank you shitheads for making surprisingly robust because there’s not going to be one next week. In fact, we’ll probably mentally check out sometime after our AMAs coverage which I’ll assume involves an eyebrow-less Miley Cyrus eating the skin off papayas with her vagina detenta on stage. There’s no way I didn’t just nail that.
- The Superficial