Posts Tagged ‘‘G.I.’

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Just a week ago, Paramount announced plans to bump this summer’s G.I. Joe: Retaliation to next March–a delay the studio claimed they would use constructively “to do a conscientious 3D job because we’ve seen how it can better box office internationally,” which made some sense, because studios do indeed love charging people more for 3D tickets. But what if I were to tell you that was all part of a massive cover-up meant, as one insider put it, “to not reveal the Tatum of it all”? Then it’s kind of funny, isn’t it? Because who says that?

According to sources who talked to both Deadline and THR, Paramount’s delay has less to do with 3D than it does with fear that their movie is sort of bad and, in a film first, needs more Channing Tatum.

Though the trailers for the G.I. Joe sequel have made it look marginally better than its predecessor, evidently the film is not testing well with audiences, who have reportedly been giving it scores ranging from “mediocre to bad.” The one part test audiences did get behind? The faint tendon of friendship that initially connects the muscles of The Rock and Channing Tatum. Unfortunately, Paramount didn’t know anyone would like that part (this was before The Vow and 21 Jump Street made Tatum’s dumbfounded look so recognizable), and, as it’s cut now, the film sees Tatum die almost immediately. Spoiler.

Seeing how Retaliation would be going up against Magic Mike, which has arguably too much of Channing Tatum, and The Amazing Spider-Man, which has Spider-Man, the studio decided it best to do reshoots with more Tatum, make it 3D while they’re at it, and save their film until next year, when it can be released with less competition and severely deadened expectations. As for why studio executives previously stated the delay was entirely due to 3D conversion, they’re just embarrassed to admit how much they like Channing Tatum’s belly muscles, okay?

So much escalating excitement over the slow realization, “oh, they made another G.I. Joe… with Bruce Willis?” and now it won’t see a payoff for another ten months. Paramount has delayed G.I. Joe: Retaliation until March 29, 2013 so that they have time to make it more 3D, and thus make a bunch more money off it.

As a studio executive explained to Deadline, “We’re going to do a conscientious 3D job because we’ve seen how it can better box office internationally.” Lest anyone worry that adding post-production 3D as an afterthought is somehow a poor decision, the executive added, “Jim Cameron did all of Titanic‘s 3D in post – and look how well that movie turned out,” which is a fair point. What is G.I. Joe: Retaliation if not Titanic set against the historical drama of The Rock’s pecs?

This latest trailer for G.I. Joe: Retaliation wastes little time in explaining why Joe star Channing Tatum was so absent from the last trailer for the film. As the preview–and presumably the actual film–opens, the entire G.I. Joe action figure line is attacked by the U.S.’s own forces, taking out the majority of the team, Tatum included. More likely it will turn out Tatum is alive in the hospital or something, leaving the team in the hands of a new leader for but one movie, because that formula worked well enough for Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel. But as far as why The Rock is now seemingly leader of a Wayans-free Joe team, that’s why.

As for why the Joes were attacked, it’s because Cobra has wrested control of the White House, and not even in the polite way lobbyists do it. Thanks to the shape-shifting powers of Arnold Vosloo, Cobra has literally taken over the presidency, placing themselves in power and turning the surviving G.I. Joe figures into criminals. Finding it tough to hide out when half their team is composed of an enormous, shorn man and the personification of a black dildo, the Joes turn to the only man they can trust: G.I. Joe himself, Bruce Willis, who seems to have contributed a few wisecracks on the condition that he be allowed to shoot them all in sequence in front of a green screen. Willis grants the Joes use of that super awesome tank vehicle your parents refused to buy you because they already bought you the Turtle Blimp for your birthday, and, well, now The Rock has one less pithy quip he can use in Fast Six:

Now, I’m fuzzy on some of my G.I. Joe canon, but did Firefly always take his name to such a literal extreme, or is this something new since the advent of Michael Bay’s invention of little CGI robot bugs?

Also, if it turns out Tatum just got his head clonked and now he’s working for Cobra because of brain damage, eff off, because that’s just The Vow again but with the roles switched and with larger political implications.

From across mankind’s internet–specifically, across IGN, HeyUGuys, CloneWeb, /Film, JoBlo, Collider, ComingSoon, and Yahoo–here is the full set of character posters for the summer’s most anticipated militant action figure movie, G.I. Joe: Retaliation. All your favorites are here: metal face, ninja, dignified Bruce Willis, Channing Tatum, guy who is shirtless but is somehow not Channing Tatum, solemn Rock–plus, girls! See them all larger below.

Hey, fire! Cool!(?)

From across mankind’s internet–specifically, across IGN, HeyUGuys, CloneWeb, /Film, JoBlo, Collider, ComingSoon, and Yahoo–here is the full set of character posters for the summer’s most anticipated militant action figure movie, G.I. Joe: Retaliation. All your favorites are here: metal face, ninja, dignified Bruce Willis, Channing Tatum, guy who is shirtless but is somehow not Channing Tatum, solemn Rock–plus, girls! See them all larger below.

Hey, fire! Cool!(?)

Despite earlier this year received much pointing and scornful laughter when she showed up to the Internet wearing this ridiculous Wonder Woman outfit, Adrianne Palicki seemingly remains open to the idea of more fanboy criticism/reluctant masturbation, as she’ll reportedly be attempting to portray a geek-favorite character again. According to Deadline, the Friday Night Lights star has signed to play G.I. Joe covert operations specialist Lady Jaye, said to be the film’s female lead opposite Channing Tatum’s Duke.

Additionally, Bruce Willis might be in this goddammer, too. With director Jon M. Chu basically starting over with the cast (save for Tatum) and replacing them with analogs, it sounds like Willis might take over the elder role once filled by Dennis Quaid, the rumor being he could be playing the team’s eponym, (G.I.) Joe Colton. His involvement is still pretty questionable, though, so for now let’s just count on Palicki once again embodying a fan-fetishized character. And on that note, here’s a montage of Lady Jaye clips that was assembled by a terrifying man who sure likes watching ladies get knocked out: